For as long as I can remember, I have been overly obsessed with results. If there are no results then there is no achievement. “As simple as that” I would always think. As if. Results are not simple, no matter which context I tried to perceive it as.
And because of this results-driven-mentality, I have been suffering. Still am, as I am writing this. Even though I have given my 100% at everything, I still can’t achieve my most coveted result.
What else should I do?
What else should I try?
What else should I learn? Study?
What else do I lack?
When will I see the results?
I was so focused on results that I cannot see my little victories I was achieving. I have put myself in so much mental stress that I have burnt myself out and now in desperate-to-survive-mode. I want to survive, even if that is my only reason for living because the more I despair, the more I lose my will to live. In all honesty, I do not have much to live with. My passions are one-by-one dying. I am no longer looking forward to tomorrow, I do but not much. I either sleep too much or do not sleep at all and I blank out most of the time. I stopped all forms of communications with those I hold dear because I am afraid that I might lose them the more I stick to them. Not when I am this mass of whatever-the-fuck I am. I do not want to “infect” them. I feel like I am more contagious than a disease and the moment I talk with them I will kill them with my sadness. I even ended up deleting my online presence and left only a couple that I’ll need for my job hunting.
But I do not want to stay here. I still, even if its just a sliver, have some life left in me. I still want to live, still want to achieve that “result”.
I want to feel “happy” again.
To genuinely smile again, laugh from the bottom of my heart and smile after instead of crying, to see rainbows and sunshine and have hope that tomorrow would be another “great” day.
And so here I am, writing a blog even though my passion for writing has long been dead and I know that my post is more of random ramblings of a sad sad person. Even though I know my post isn’t compelling or gut wrenching, I will still write. I am doing my best to ignite the fire of passion, I know I still have. So in my desperation to cling to that thing thread of “living”, I am pushing myself to see the little victories that I know I have been achieving on a daily basis.
Like how my application for financial aid has been granted and now I can attend an online class with ease and study without worry of being able to afford it.
Like how I am opening myself up to accepting all rejections as a learning curb instead of a “result” because I have given the best I have and it is not just with those companies/positions.
Like how I am accepting the limits I have in my Faith and that I should be patient with myself. I will never be as religious and devoted as my friends are but I am building on a non-existent faith from the ground up and the seed is still a seed so I have to continue to water it for it to flourish.
Like how I am challenging myself to reignite the passions I lost and not tuck my tail between my legs and run away.
Like how I am preparing myself for a world of where I can be me. In all my sadness and depression, anxiety and stress.
That I am allowed to live too.
And so here I am, looking forward to my little victories today, tomorrow and in the future. I know that I wont be able to do everything perfectly. I know that maybe later I would regret my actions and think that I might have bitten more than I could chew but because I can see it so clearly that I know I will make it. Even if it’s only a lie right now.
One day, it will be my truth.
But for today, for now my “results” are my little victories.